The 4 R's of Academic Research

What have I done to anger the gods? Was it my push for the tech-Jesi (e-Jesus, m-Jesus, web-Jesus, and pod-Jesus) over snail-Jesus? Or maybe it was my whole "you betrayed Shiva," Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom, act I used when my neighbor took the last Old Style and I made it burn his hand so that I could have it. Then again, he did declare a Jihad against me for stealing his OS. But I'm getting off the subject, 'The 4 R's of Academic Research'....stay the course.

You see, I am trying to finish some research for a conference I have to attend in September where I shall present a poster. My research consists of fermenting ground grain sorghum and pulling samples at different stages of the process, drying down the material and extracting the lipids to determine if any of the unit operations reduce the amount of lipid present. I acquired 4 hot/stir plates and 4 scrw top 1000 mL erlenmeyer flasks and built a hot water bath with submersible water powered stir plates. I also use a Soxhlet for the lipid extractions and a bench-top MEGAFUGE 2.0R centrifuge for separating the whole stillage from the wet grains. Two weeks ago I get my fermentations started and the Soxhlet dies. I figure no biggie, I can store the samples in the freezer and run them all at once over a couple days. Two days ago, my centrifuge stopped working. Now we're talking crazy shit, because research has just stopped.

Yesterday, my advisor and I call the company, and they tell us to basically hot wire the centrifuge. It displayed the message "OPEN" on the panel when the lid was clearly closed, so my first that was bad switch...it makes sense to bypass the switch and force the centrifuge to 'think' the lid is closed. We hot wire the bad bitch with the help of our department electronics guy, who is rather pissed because his hot sandwiches he brought for lunch were getting cold, his insulin was kicking in and his nicotine buzz was wearing off. Anyways, we get the centrifuge to work and I start processing samples to get "research going again".

Next we decide to focus on the Soxhlet and we decide to take the whole Mother F#c*$r apart (the same attitude that drove my mom nuts and drove me to become an engineer...remember kids, you can always hire someone to put it back together). We start to take it apart only to hear a pop from the centrifuge and smell burnt circuitry......research has stopped again. We say "oh well" and go back to the Soxhlet, where we discover a clogged line. I clean the line and put the Soxhlet back together and it works magnificently.

Resesarch is almost back online.

But rather than repair the centrifuge, we decide to borrow one from another lab. This thing is bad, it looks like an old dishwasher or washing machine, it even has dials on it like a washing machine. All it really needs is a quarter acceptor and a pay-per-spin setup. Anyways, this afternoon we will be moving this washing-fuge to our lab.

Oh, and the 4 R's...

Repair, Rebuild, Rig, Repeat

And it begins again...

Well, the Fall 2006 semester at the University of Nebraska-Lincoln officially started yesterday, the 21st of August. This is technically the beginning of my 9th year of college...how the time flies. Some of my friends have been training for triathalons and marathons and I'm sure they would be happy if I referred to them as triathletes. But me, I'm the exception to the rule. I have been training to be a Decademian, and I am almost there.

The funny thing is that every time a semester starts (this would be my 18th) I get the same feeling of excitement and always look forward to learning more and more about the magnificent world of math modeling. However, this is the first time I have been enrolled in a class and had it cancelled because too few students enrolled. I suppose is was bound to happen eventually, but I didn't think I was getting into the knitty-gritty of biotechnology, or least to such a level that MS or undergrads would not want to learn the magnificence of the various biosynthetic pathways within s. cerevisiae. The coolest part is how those pathways impact ethanol yield and more importantly what compounds are lost from the fermentation broth/mash that are value added co-products that I am interested in extracting from the left overs.

I have another first time experience this semester and that is helping to write/develop a class, which is going under the working title "Unit Operations for Biofuel production". I have always said that I would go to industry and help Uncle Archie to conquer the world with my R&D abilities, but this will test my feelings on teaching. Hopefully, I do not get too attached to teaching, god forbid I have to puss out and give up on world domination by "Unlocking Nature's Potential".

If I won the lottery

Today I was cruising Yahoo! to read the news about the suntan lotion terrorist plot and about the Isreali's whipping ass in the Middle East. I love Yahoo! because I am a news junkie, but CNN or MSNBC just can't get the news to me fast enough. I want to jump from topic to topic like a fly jumps from pile of manure to pile of manure. If I could I would consume news like my friend Mark Wu, where he TiVo's the CNN and MSNBC all day while he is at work, and then when get gets home in the evening he watches both replays in split screen mode on his HDTV. An HDTV that, as he puts, would make me look more clear through the TV than if I was actually standing in front of him at a similar distance. But the problem with such high definition news on fast forward is that for being so well defined, you wonder about the quality of a news program like that. What are they hiding behind the attractive, young anchor people and flashy graphics? Where has the substsance gone? Another issue I have with the TiVo your news strategy is that you are always 8 hours behind, becuase you have TiVo the evening news while you watch the dual, fast forward, high definition rebroadcasting of the daily news. And if you miss a day, you're only compounding the problem. In the end you get two opinions at once, and no commercials.

But getting back to my experience on Yahoo! this afternoon. As I was purusing the most popular pictures I noticed that the butter cow from the Illinois State Fair was on the list. Being from Illinois and a huge fan of the butter cow I was reminded of a conversation I had with my father once whilst we gazed upon the glory of a life sized cow expertly sculpted from 700 pounds of butter.

Dad: "That butter cow sure is amazing, look at the detail."
Me: "Yep, that is pretty intense."
Dad: "Don't you just want to drive a truck through it, just to see what happens?"
Me: "Up until you just said that, "no, I hadn't", but now it is my life ambition."

If I were ever so lucky to win the lottery, I can tell you right now that I would buy 2800 pounds of butter and have a herd of butter cows so dad and I can drive through not just one butter cow, but four butter cows......Just to see what it does. And we'd probably have to order lots of salt, popcorn, and sweet corn, because you just can't let all that butter go to waste.

I think it's the Wii

Whilst watching AOTS today I learned that in addition to the zelda game being available for Wii on release day, ubisoft has pledged 7 games. It's looking like there will be a ton of games on release and nintendo will have games to pepper throughout the year. I think it will be the Wii...for now.

Wii or PS3

How much sleep should one lose over the new generation of video game consoles? Lately the I've been plagued by the PS3. Every morning I wake up and my heart screams "Buy a PS3, you need a PS3", and then my brain says, "Why buy that PS3 when it is still first genereation, remember how XBOX 360 used to overheat and turn itself off? You gotta wait until generation two." My other concern is that there will not be enough titles available for the system on release date. Plus $700 is a lot to pay even for the baddest of the bad console. But then there is Marvel: Ultimate Alliance, that game looks amazing. And the new final fantasy...

My distraction plan was that I would buy a Nintendo Wii which is $200 vs. the $700 for the PS3. A new video game console in the house, aleviate all desire for the PS3. And for a month, that plan worked. Every day I would wake up jonesin' for a PS3 and then I realized that I'm going to buy a Wii and forget about PS3.

Unfortunately, now I wake up everyday and I want a PS3 and then I remind myself that I'm buying a Wii. But now I don't want a Wii and not a PS3, I am trying to figure out some scheme to buy a Wii and a PS3.

Oh, the trials and tribulations of being a gamer.

China Bucket

So tonight I got a hankering for some chinese food. Since I've only been in Lincoln, I have had chinese food once and that was not buffet (or bucket to those of you who know what I'm talking about). Luckily, my good friend and resident "crazy, vietnam vet" Terry stopped by and was looking for a hang. So I says: "Terry, where is a stinky poon of a china bucket in this forsaken city?"
Terry: "I don't know what the fuck you just said."
Me: "Oh...sorry, too much slang? Would you happen to know the location of a fine Chinese style eatery...buffet....establishment?"
Terry: "No, I don't, but I like crab legs and last christmas when my friend from Texas was here we went to a place south of town that was a chinese buffet."
Crickets:
Me: "Well, do you want to matriculate to the bucket with me?"
Terry: "Sure."
Crickets: "sure" (but in a chirpy sounding voice)
Me: "We're gonna demolish this tasty poon of a china bucket."
Terry: "Damn straight"

It was actually very good, Terry was on the money. For any of you in Lincoln, it was called Jade River Grand Buffet and it's out on 40th and Old Cheney. Its like 8 bucks for dinner and 6 bucks for lunch.

Olypmic Curling

What is it about curling that I can't stop watching?? They play 10 ends and each end has a 75 min/team time limit. This game takes forever, but I can't stop watching. I think someday I could be an olympic curler, but I'd want to be on the French team so that I could say I was a French curler and then make the obvious joke that I was a French cruler (the donut, not Louis XIV).

The Badlands

I suppose that I must join in the committment with Mikey and post that the last week of May we are backpacking Badlands National Park, or at least a part of it. No trails, so it's us, a topo, and a compass to find our way around. there is also no potable water, so we will have to pack in all our water. Since they recommend that we have at least 1 gal/person/day and each gallon weighs 8 pounds, 4 days is about our max. That's 32 pounds of water per person and 30 pounds of space left for food and gear.

Speaking of gear, Mikey is buying some new gear and I'm sure I will be posting advice that will be coinciding with what he is looking for. TO learn what Mikey buys, you'll have to check his blog and mine own.

Until the next Badlands Update

New Vinyls

Last night I bought some new vinyls from Recycled Sounds to work out the new Paradigms and the vinyls are magnificent!! I scored:

Billy Joel "An Innocent Man"
This has guest artists like Jon Faddis, Michael Brecker, Toots Thielman, and Ronnie Cuber (who knew?!)

Bob Brookmeyer "Back Again"
George Mraz, Lewis Rowls, Thad Jones and Mel Lewis!! Yeah Baby! Thad and Mel in Quintet with Bobby B.

Uriah Heep "Dragons and Wizards"
Terry says this is good shit, but is it as good as King Crimson?? We'll find out.

Two Chase albums...I thought they didn't exist, but they do!!

Gary Burton & Some Dude (to be named at a later date). But this should be good too.

Tower of Power "Back to Oakland"
Don't Change Horses in the Middle of a Stream, Oakland Stroke, Squib Cakes in analog glory. Is it possible that heaven has fallen upon this earth and angels landed in my Monitor 11's to shout down the demons of my head? It just might be possible.

Paradigm

Yes!! After 5 years of Jonesin' for some Paradigm speakers today I finally pulled the trigger and boughts some Monitor 11's. They are every bit as fantastic as I thought they would be. Mikey, you made my decision that much easier. They don't need a sub, but I want to add one in a few months. I've been giving them the work out from the turntable "Magical Myster Tour" by The Beatles, "M.F. Horns 4, 5" by Maynard Ferguson, "Songs in the Key of Life" Stevie Wonder, and the Thad Jones Solid State collection. Tomorrow comes the rare and elusive "Miles Davis & Sonny Stitt Live in Stockholm 1960". To you all, I wish you were herer for the magnificence, but alas you will be soon enough and you may bask in the glory that is Paradigm. God Damn I love the Speakers!!!!!!!!

Eric Newgard Tep 25 (plus Illnois and Nebraska)

Well, it's Week 6

1. USC @ 14. Arizona	USC
2. Texas vs. Oklahoma	Texas
3. Virginia Tech vs. Marshall	Virginia Tech
4. Florida State vs. Wake Forest	Florida State
5. Georgia @ 8. Tennessee	Tennessee
6. Ohio State @ 19. Penn State	Ohio State
7. Alabama
8. See #5
9. Miami vs. Duke	Miami
10. California @ 20. UCLA	California
11. LSU @ Vanderbilt	LSU
12. Notre Dame
13. Florida vs. Mississippi St.	Florida
14. Wisconsin @ Northwestern	Wisconsin
15. Texas Tech @ Nebraska	Nebraska!! Luck.
16. See #6
17. Arizona St vs. 25. Oregon	Arizona State
18. Boston College vs. Virgina	Boston College
19. Michigan State
20. See #10
21. Michigan vs. Minnesota	Minnesota
22. See #13
23. Louisville
24. Georgia Tech
25. See #17
Illinois @ Indiana	Illinois

We'll see what happens

How I'm doing: (30-11)

The Education of Willy Wonka

I've decided to take it upon myself to teach my good buddy Simanek all the glitters that is gold...er chocolate and enlighten him into the hardcore food science principals behind why his business works the way it works. It's all about Beta crystal structures baby!! If you are lucky, I may even post the forum here and you can all learn along with young master simanek a.k.a. Willy Wonka.

The Newgard Top 25 (plus Illinois and Nebraska)

Well, it's Week 4

1. USC @ 14. Arizona St.	USC
2. Texas @ Missouri	Texas
3. Virginia Tech @ West Virginia	Virginia Tech
4. LSU at Mississippi St.	LSU
5. Florida @ 15. Alabama	Florida
6. Florida State vs. Syracuse	FSU
7. Georgia @ Miss State	Georgia
8. Ohio State vs. 21. Iowa	Iowa (Drew Tate factor)
9. Miami vs. South Florida	Miami
10. Tennessee vs. Mississippi	Tennessee
11. Michigan State vs Michigan	Michigan State
12. California vs. Arizona	California
13. Notre Dame @ 22. Purdue	Notre Dame (Wake up the Thunder!)
14. See #1
15. See #5
16. Texas Tech vs. Kansas	Texas Tech
17. Wisconsin vs. Indiana	Wisconsin
18. Minnesota @ Penn State	Minnesota
19. Virginia at Maryland	Virginia
20. UCLA vs. Washington	UCLA
21. Boston College vs. Ball State	Boston College
22. See #13
23. Iowa St at Nebraska	Nebraska (call me crazy)
24. Louisville vs. FL Atlantic	Louisville
25. Georgia Tech
Illinois @ Iowa	Iowa

We'll see what happens

The Newgard Top 25 (plus Illinois and Nebraska)

Well, it's Week 3 and since I managed to pick the Iowa State upset of Iowa, I figure I could just as well make my picks through the top 25 (plus alma maters) and see how I do...So let's begin.

1. USC @ 24. Orgeon	USC
2. Texas vs. Texas State	Texas (lol)
3. LSU vs. 10. Tennesee	LSU
4. VT vs. 15. GT	VT
5. Florida @ Kentucky	Florida
6. Florida State	BYE
7. Georgia @ Miss State	Georgia
8. Ohio State vs. 21. Iowa	Iowa (Drew Tate factor)
9. Louisville @ South Florida	Louisville
11. Purdue @ Minnesota	Minnesota
12. Miami vs. Colorado	Miami
13. Cal @ NM State	Cal
14. Michigan @ Wisconsin	Wisconsin (Muck Fichigan!)
15. See #4
16. Notre Dame @ Washington	Notre Dame (Wake up the Thunder!)
17. Michigan State @ Illinois	Illinois (MSU is not in this universe)
18. AZ State @ Oregon State	Oregon State (I like the beavers)
19. Texas Tech vs. Indiana St.	Texas Tech
20. Alabama vs. Arkansas	Alabama
21. See #8
22. Iowa St. at Army	Iowa State
23. Virginia vs. Duke	Virginia
24. See #1
25. UCLA	BYE

We'll see what happens

Whiplash the Cowboy Monkey

Taco Johns is genius. If you find yourself in hunger and not within range of a Taco Johns, they will deliver with the speed and accuracy that can only be achieved by a monkey on a border collie. If you've never seen Whiplash, check out this picture.

This is a monkey with some attitude. The way his dark eyes pierce your soul, while he's in full gallop on his trusty steed. Definately a monkey you don't fuck with. He's one of those monkeys who rolls his own cigarettes and puts them out on his tounge. My only wish is that John Wayne and Whiplash would have had an opportunity to work together. That would have been one hell of a movie. For more on Whiplash check out www.whiplashrides.com

The Ultimate Sammy Engineering

It is long past the time that the internet possess the process diagram for the construction of The Ultimate Sammy. What is the The Ultimate Sammy you ask? The Ultimate Sammy is the ecstasy experienced once you stumble upon the little slice of time between dreaming and crusty eye awake when you comprehend that you can control your dreams. It has been told that The Heeb found himself in such nirvana, but with a grumbling in his tumbling and he reached up into that little cloud above his head an pulled down this magnificent blessing from God above. Oft you wonder what God did on that seventh day, I think we all know now that it was to conceive of The Ultimate Sammy, NCAA March Madness and Old Style.

STEP 1: PURCHASE THE FINEST DELI MEATS AND CHEESES YOU CAN FIND.

Notice how The Heeb guides his disciple, Bakerian, to the Boar's Head meat counter whilst parlaying to him the importance of keeping one's head down during the approach to show proper respect to that which is to come.

Yes, we must sing the praises from the Hymnal of Boar's Head! 'Beautiful salami, slice paper thin for me. Boar's Head is just and the level'r of men.'

STEP 2: OBTAIN A CIABATA THAT MATCHES THE PERFECTION OF THE MEAT

Supprisingly, there is only one loaf of bread in this entire bakery. But she manages to feed 10,000. If only she could turn water into Old Style, then we'd be talking.
Elation, oh joyous occasion! Thine spirit is cleansed, The Heeb, may you return to your work in the eyes of The Lord.

STEP 3: SLICE THE GARDEN FRESH VEGETABLES.
Be careful not to slice too thick or too thin. Only someone whose soul has been cleansed by the bread should attempt such a task.

STEP 4: SLICE THE CIABATA!
Slicing a nice Ciabata loaf brings out the Moses within us all.

STEP 5: COMMUNION OF THE SALAMI.

Notice the care JFerg the Baptist takes in blessing the salami and the intense meditation of the Bakerian before the salami clensing of the palate.

STEP 6: ON THE SEVENTH DAY...

If you are not one with The Sammy, you may find it necessary to avert your gaze.

STEP 7: SEAL THE DEAL.

Yes, The Heeb, what you have created has left the mundane of the contingent world and taken an odessy into the metaphysical, but a look in your eye like that should be saved for ladies at the Ryan's Buffet. You know what I'm talking about. Those Ryan's Buffet ladies are three times the woman you will find anywhere else.

STEP 8: REFLECT UPON THE MAGNIFICENCE OF THE ULTIMATE SAMMY

And there you have it, an experience too grand for one man to behold, it must be beholden by four or five men of grand stature and ambition. To consume this bahemoth is to live life on the edge with disreagard for health. Each bite causes days to fall off the end of one's life.

Note: The individuals who partake of The Ultimate Sammy are trained professionals under the close the supervision of stuntmen, clergy and nutritionists. Do not try this at home.

Science Fact of the Day

The average price for 1 lb of coffee from Tanzania is $9.
There are 2000 beans in 1 lb of coffee.
There are 50 beans in 1 cup of coffee ($0.225/cup).
The average American consumes 24 gallons of coffee a year.
The average American consumes 384 cups of coffee a year.
This equates to 19200 beans a year or 9.6 lbs a year.
The average American spends $86.4 on coffee beans a year.
The average salary in Tanzania is 70,000 shillings (1 USD = 1000 shillings).
In 2000/01 53% of Tanzanians worked in agriculture (63% in 1991/92).

Tanzanian coffee is considered 'premium coffee' by American consumers.
Starbucks does not pay $9 for a pound of coffee, they pay much less.
How much do you pay for a cup of coffee at Starbucks?
Can you believe how much people are willing to pay for shitty background music, people chatting on cell phones every 2 feet, working on laptops at every table, and that precious green logo on a paper cup? Me either.

Buy freetrade coffee and a french press.

UNL Animal Science Building

Friday I took my first exam at the University of Nebraska. It was in Experimental Statistics and I think I was successful. Unfortunately the conditions in which I had to take the test were not ideal. We moved our class into the animal science building and ever since then I have been having trouble concentrating in class. How is it that a building and mess me up so bad, you ask? Allow me to explain.

When UNL decided to build a new animal sciences building they really wanted to allow the students to be really close to the animals. So how did they do this? Easy, build a barn for animals and then build an animal sciences building all around it. Yes, they built a building around a barn. I'm serious. You walk into the building and sticking into the atrium is a glass enclosure that contains half of th barn. The only thing between the smells from the barn and the atrium...a single glass door. Now you try taking a statistics exam with 50 cows worth of piss and manure stinging your nostrils. You walk out of this building and you smell like piss.

If I was animal scientist I would think it was awesome that I was so close to the animals. If I was Dr. Doolittle, I'd go through the glass door and talk to the animals. But I'm a biological systems engineer and I don't care for piss sting in my nostrils when I am taking an exam or in a lecture.

Statistics is "loom"-ing

This morning I had a lecture in experimental statistics. I'll admit, the topic sounds hard, but it really isn't. Before I get to the story, a little background about the course. The worst thing about the lectures is the professor who cannot teach. Everytime we get to something I don't understand and somone asks her for clarification her response is "It's not important...let's move on." Now, if it's not important, why are we learning it?

Today we are sitting in class, talking about random effect models, and the professor pulls this example out and starts talking. Basically, a textile company has a bunch of looms and wants to look at the variance in the fabric. About 4 minutes into this example a girl raises her hand and says, "I was wondering what a loom is?" (are you fucking with me?...seriously, are you fucking with me?) The professor immediatly blurts out, "I have a thread spinner!!" Then the professor realizes not only is that response not an answer, but an asinine thing to say to 50 some graduate students in an experimental statistics lecture., unless she tells us the predicted mean and variance of the thread spinner.

A little time passes while the professor thinks of how to best address this question. After careful consideration, this professor looks at the girl and says, "A loom is what is used to convert threads into fabric." I suppose that is a fair answer. Not a descriptive answer, but a technically correct. If you asked me "what is a computer?" and I said "What we use to convert words into blogs." You would probably look at me like a jack ass. Anyways, there is this ackward pause and the professor looks at the girl and says, "I never thought somebody wouldn't know what a loom is." The girl looks to here friend and says, "I must be stupid."

My thoughts on the matter are, 'yes, you are stupid.' Who doesn't know what a loom is?

HMS Belefonte Dry Docked for Repair

As captain of the HMS Belefonte, I regret to inform the public that we had to dry dock the ship for repairs. She was a magnificent vessel and will be missed by her crew and patrons.


Some of the citizens of the Sovereing State of Belefontonia on the last night at sea.